WOUNDED KNEE

After The Crisis, there will be a great deal of fighting. I'm not looking forward to it, but that is how it will be. People who have been kicked forcibly in the knee will know how painful and debilitating it is to be kicked forcibly in the knee. Those among you who have not experienced it will only be able to imagine what it feels like, but the very act of thinking about it is likely to cause a speculative ‘ow’. The fact is that the knee is a perfect target, forming as it does the junction between the upper leg (or thigh) and the lower leg and foot. This nobbly nexus is required to be flexible to allow full movement and, as such, can be pushed out of place with the right amount of violent coercion. A displaced knee does two things: it really hurts, and it limits mobility / ability to hurt you. A disabled assailant is easier to kill - or you may simply retreat from the scene without the risk of your enemy chasing after you.

Do not use the toe of your boot or foot, use the insole or outside. This allows much more force, and will limit jarring. The object is to hurt your opponent, not yourself. Once you have made contact, drag your foot from the knee down the shin. This is excruciatingly painful, as the fibula bone is near the surface. Complete the move with a heavy downwards stamp. Remember that the foot contains a number of small bones that can be smashed easily. So smash them.   

A sincere and committed kick is highly likely to signal the end of any meaningful resistance from your foe. It is then a matter of deciding how the rest of the now rather one-sided fight will go. Not every battle has to be to the death, but then taking prisoners is always a pain, and there is some paperwork involved, so let your conscience be your guide. If your opponent is recumbent, i.e. sparked out, a forceful two footed jump onto their sternum is usually enough to kill them quickly and without wasting ammunition.

Yes, it’s brutal, but in war as in life, it’s better to be the stampee than the stamped upon. The moral high ground is a steep climb, those without functioning knees won't make it. 

REMEMBER!

IF YOU LIVED HERE, YOU'D BE HOME SOON

Home Bargains House, Southampton

It's not all doom and gloom! Here's one of the new breed of budget supermarket sponsored apartment blocks currently being thrown up in the disenfranchised sinkholes of the UK. Residents are entitled to 5% discount at any sponsoring store, as long as they do not buy alcohol or food. Other terms and conditions will definitely apply.

The plan was to have architects, psychologists and sociologists design the buildings using the pin wheel chart above to ensure that the most important requirements for health and happiness were all included. Unfortunately, the numbers add up to 1027%, which makes no sense whatsoever, so the flats have instead been built to the most basic of specifications and, as such, just about provide partial cover from the elements and a chute to shit down. Post-Crisis, they will be the most sought after properties on the market, so start hoarding barter goods now. 

In actual right now paper money, a one bedroom flat will cost you £275,000. Please don't humiliate yourself by asking about London prices.

THE CRICKET SEASON IS ALMOST OVER

Britons are the most civilized people in the world and we absorb concepts like charity, compassion, understanding and fair play as we suckle on the proverbial teat. Yet scratch the surface, throw in some mild peril, and you will quickly discover a steaming cesspool of inequality and horror, populated by savages that either want to kill us dead or steal all we have created, and then kill us. In some cases, they will also rape us. Then kill and rob us. In the worst of all case studies, we may one day even be subjugated and diminished until we fit snugly under the stack heel of a foreign aggressor. These will, inevitably, be lesser people than us, but, by animal cunning or dirty deceit or some sort of collective national balls up, they might just make us their slaves for a temporary period of time. To this end, anticipating the sort of shit storm The Crisis will bring, it is essential that we put away our innate kindness and decency and replace it with a steely determination to brutally kill all those who threaten our existence. Harden your hearts, they will not be needed for the nasty non-people who would seek to take our way of life and smear it with dog dirt. These will not, of course, be exclusively foreigners. But let's say that they are, and look at this graph to make it seem like a legitimate and pressing concern.

Britain's next potential enemy, in descending order of threat.

In a good, clean fight, there is no substitute for British nerve and sinew. But the fight ahead will not be good, and it will not be clean. It will not be cricket or, indeed, any well defined, carefully organised and impartially adjudicated sport. Our enemies can be expected to behave abominably, and no amount of stiff letters or representations to their corrupt puppet government will make them change their wicked ways. If you meet the enemy, know this: they are cheats who will do all they can to straight up murder you. Now, with this in mind, and your children’s weeping, wailing faces in your head, what will you do to them?

Not everyone can be an expert in martial arts, not everyone will have horny hands or spikes in the toe caps of their shoes. But everyone has a chance to live if they retain a positive mental attitude, lose their innate reserve and immediately mount a shockingly aggressive attack, following a few basic tenets of self-defence:

• All eyes pop if poked hard enough;
• Nobody likes being kicked repeatedly in the face;
• Men and women both have genitals in roughly the same area;
• Guns are for people who know how to use them;
• Nobody will tell you off if you kill somebody, we'll be past all that.  

Remember, you will probably be fighting to the death, so, in the crass sporting vernacular of the Americans, either ‘GO HARD, OR GO HOME’ - in a box.

Stay tuned for more guidance you really shouldn't follow.