SMATCHET JOB

The Smatchet was invented by Captain W.E Fairbairn during World War 2 and is a cross between a machete, a hatchet and a fat, angry knife. It is also heavy enough to be used as a face smashing bludgeon. Fairbairn was clear about the ‘confidence, determination and aggressiveness’ such a heavy weapon inspired, believing it the next best thing to a rifle and bayonet.  The Smatchet is not essentially a stabbing weapon, although it has penetrative capacity. Instead, its main application is as a swinging, slashing blade. Wielded with sufficient force, it will slice through most things, especially flesh, which is eminently sliceable.

The Carotid artery and the Sub-Clavian artery are perhaps your best bet for a swift conclusion to your fight, as a strong severing blow here will disable your opponent immediately, and kill them soon after (twelve seconds for the Carotid; up to two hundred and ten seconds for the Sub-Clavian). Other targets include the arteries at the inner junctures of the wrist or elbow, but this weapon is not an epee or a stiletto, so do not expend too much thought on a cultured technique. Put simply, The Smatchet is a hacking device that causes serious and unsubtle damage, so make sure it’s either in your hand or your opponents guts. Naturally, don't draw this weapon for anything less than a duel to the death, it will not calm a minor disagreement, only escalate it. 

The following film demonstrates some of its uses. A word of warning, the Smatchet featured is a product of an American company called Cold Steel, and those demonstrating the weapons are Americans, so expect some unseemly facial expressions and a certain amount of celebratory whooping and ‘hell yeah’-ing. Ignore this childish exhibitionism if you can, and instead concentrate on the very high levels of carnage caused by this great British invention. Of particular note is the way the Smatchet effortlessly slashes through the toe of a cowboy boot revealing the meat within, an essential prerequisite for the inevitable Transatlantic war that will start the moment the Yanks realise just how vulnerable we are.