Britain's next potential enemy, in descending order of threat.
In a good, clean fight, there is no substitute for British nerve and sinew. But the fight ahead will not be good, and it will not be clean. It will not be cricket or, indeed, any well defined, carefully organised and impartially adjudicated sport. Our enemies can be expected to behave abominably, and no amount of stiff letters or representations to their corrupt puppet government will make them change their wicked ways. If you meet the enemy, know this: they are cheats who will do all they can to straight up murder you. Now, with this in mind, and your children’s weeping, wailing faces in your head, what will you do to them?
Not everyone can be an expert in martial arts, not everyone will have horny hands or spikes in the toe caps of their shoes. But everyone has a chance to live if they retain a positive mental attitude, lose their innate reserve and immediately mount a shockingly aggressive attack, following a few basic tenets of self-defence:
- All eyes pop if poked hard enough;
- Nobody likes being kicked repeatedly in the face;
- Men and women both have genitals in roughly the same area;
- Guns are for people who know how to use them;
- Nobody will tell you off if you kill somebody, we'll be past all that.
Stay tuned for more guidance you really shouldn't follow.